Your Next Turkey Hunting Gimmick
The hunting world is full of gimmicks. Especially the turkey hunting world. Have you thought of a million-dollar gimmick idea yet? I have. I'm one of the few turkey hunters who has heard a hen make a sound gobblers can't resist.
I can't take full credit for this invention for two reasons. First, it involves a pill, and since I'm not a chemist or a doctor, and I don't own a mortar and pestle, I couldn't do it all. I had to get some help.
The second reason is that, like most ideas, it builds on another idea. So, to whoever invented Covid, Thanks. You're going to make me a millionaire! Read about “Your Next Turkey Hunting Gimmick” in the April 3 edition of the Jamestown Gazette.
To access more of my writing on hunting topics, go to the home page of my blog, Mission: Hunter.
Your Next Turkey Hunting Gimmick
Can we be honest? Spring turkey hunting lends itself to gimmickry. Don’t get me wrong. I applaud the hunters who come up with any hunting idea that works for them. Part of what makes turkey hunting interesting and fun is enthusiastic hunters talking about the next miracle gizmo that will make them successful in the turkey woods.
The list of turkey trinkets is a long one. It includes a turkey rut scent, the squealing hen call, and the silent-whistle gobbler locator. Highly accomplished, nationally famous turkey hunters came up with these innovative ideas, but have you noticed? The nation’s Cabelas stores no longer stock any of these products. Does that mean they don’t work? Maybe. Or it might mean rank-and-file turkey hunters like you and me were never able to master them. Yeah. That’s it!
I, for one, got suckered into the silent whistle. The idea was that turkeys had supernatural hearing and could tune in frequencies much higher than humans can hear. Just blow on this whistle and any turkey in the vicinity would blast back with a loud, uncontrollable gobble. It made a lot of sense, except I never figured out how to adjust it, since my own hearing isn’t supernatural.
Being “a locator call,” the genius in this device was its side benefit. Since no human could hear it, you’re not fooling any nearby Nimrods into thinking they heard a gobbler. We’ve all been there—sound off with a gobble call to locate Mr. Tom, and some idiot closes in on you thinking you’re the gobbler.
It was foolproof. Not a single hunter ever stalked me after I blew the whistle. And every time I blew on that thing, a turkey might have gobbled back, even though I couldn’t hear them. Apparently, they were responding with a silent gobble. That left me (maybe you too, if you’re honest) with no advantage at all and $14.95 poorer. Plus tax.
After failing to get any positive turkey hunting results, I tested it on my wiener dog. Just like a gobbler, Remy heard nothing when I blew on that little brass whistle.
Did it work for you? Some hunters will say it did, but I suspect those guys were hunting where it was field tested—where a gobbler was roosted in every tree and half of them were spontaneously sounding off. If you hear a dozen gobblers when you slam a car door or close a creaky gate, that’s where the silent turkey locator call works best. You could probably make any sound—trip over a rattlesnake to rev up his buzzing tail—a turkey will hear it and gobble back. Even a sneeze will roust a gobble.
Which brings me to tell you, I’m on the ground floor of the next gimmick you’ll soon hear about—a pill that gives you nasal congestion. Take one as the morning light begins to filter through the trees, start sneezing, and listen. You’ll hear more gobblers than you can count, guaranteed.
It’s a little-known fact that a human sneeze is the same sound a pretty hen makes when she’s pining for the company of a gentleman gobbler who’s interested in nothing but having his way with her. I doubt you’ve ever heard a hen sneeze. Which proves how unique and rare it is, and why it works. The more you sneeze, the more lustful that gobbler gets.
Here’s the backstory. Some bigshot doctor named Fauchee was working on a short Covid so people could get it over quick. Then he came up with an antidote pill—a spin-off of a Covid cure. You take it when you head back to your truck. Fauci has already had the first batch shipped from Wuhan for field testing this spring, and it’s being marketed as “5-Hour COVID.”
Being the top-notch writer that I am, Fauchee hired me to write some slogans. “Put a deadly sneeze on that stubborn gobbler!” And “On your next turkey hunt, don’t snooze—just sneeze!” And “Your next trophy gobbler is just a sneeze away!” We’re rolling out in 2024 and I’m recruiting now for a team to present this at all the big sports shows next winter.
So start warming up your credit card. A season’s supply of 5-Hour COVID will be only $99.99 (assuming President Xi and some middleman named Hunter are satisfied with their cuts). It will include enough for 30 days of the sneeziest turkey hunting.
When “The Everyday Hunter” isn’t hunting, he’s thinking about hunting, talking about hunting, dreaming about hunting, writing about hunting, or wishing he were hunting. If you want to tell Steve exactly where your favorite hunting spot is, contact him through his website, www.EverydayHunter.com.